Dear Diary
by WriteAtNight
Summary: A diary entry from Ryan's wife about Ryan's behavior on the anniversary of Seth's death. Suggestions of possible RS SLASH. You be the judge. 1st O.C. fic. Please be gentle.


Disclaimer: I own nothing about or associated with the O.C. Too bad b/c I really love show.

Summery:  
This is a diary entry made by Ryans wife recounting the events of the anniversary of Seth's death. There are hints of possible slash. I have never written anything like this before so please be gentle w/ reviews (lol). It's my first O.C. fic and just an idea I had floating around in my head. I hope you enjoy.

Dear Diary,  
It's me Samantha Atwood. It's that day again. The day I dread every year. Yeah, you know the one. The one where my husbands speaks out his love for another in his sleep. The one he says he'll always love. It happens every year. This day for the past 5 years. The day he lost Seth. You know how the day goes, remember. It is the same every year. First like clockwork I can tell he is dreaming. Restless dreams of the other love of his life. Then he grasps his pillow and I hear the words that most wives would dread to hear. "Seth I love you" and then the most heartbreaking thing is when the tears fall from his sleeping eyes. Of course to admit to me he does this is something he doesn't do. I'm sure he feels crying makes him weaker or even perhaps that I will get mad. Sure probably most wives would. I don't. I know he loves me and is 100 committed to me and our marriage. It doesn't bother me that he also has another soul mate, another love. It never has. I can't even truly say if he has even admitted those feelings to anyone, maybe even himself. But I know my husband. I know the pain he goes through on this day every year. I know the joy on his face when he talks about their happy times, the look he gave each time they saw each other. I know love. I don't even know if he knows he cries in his sleep.

He feels guilty I know because Seth and a pregnant Summer were coming here to visit when they got hit by the drunk driver. It was our turn to go over there but my morning sickness had kicked into high gear that day and even though I knew it would get better later, the thought of riding in a vehicle that early was something I couldn't handle. Summer was feeling great so Ryan asked them if they would come here instead, that way we didn't have to cancel. And they did. Or at least they started to. Summer and I repeatedly told Ryan it was NOT his fault but you know Ryan, always ready to protect Seth. At the funeral people were saying to Ryan how sorry they were his brother was gone. He acknowledged them with a solemn nod. Was there more to the nod than those people thought? His headstone says "Beloved son, husband, father, and brother" but in Ryan's heart there is an added soul mate written.  
Oh dear diary, the rest of the day. Siiiiiiigggggghhhh. You know how it goes. He gets up early and takes the comic book and goes to the grave site and reads it to him. I wonder if he cries there too. He'll come home and Summer and her daughter Marissa will come over. Sandy, Kirsten, and Sophie will come over, we'll have lunch and then the home movies will start. We'll laugh at the funny things Seth says and nobody but me will notice the looks in Seth and Ryan's eyes and the meaning of their smiles. The Cohen's and Summer always chuckle when Seth points to Ryan and says thanks man for being my protector. When that happens Ryan looks at me. He doesn't think he protected him. If he had, he'd be here. I search his eyes and he sees me searching never verbalizing our thoughts. I know he hurts, I know he loves, and I know he misses. I always reach over and grab his hand and squeeze it slowly and slightly to let him know he does have someone to understand. Sophie will "supervise" (seeing how she is 11 now) Marissa and Seth (Ahhhh my beautiful boy) as they play in his room while the adults have coffee and then they will all leave. Ryan will kiss our Seth goodnight and then he'll have a drink, or two. He finally goes to bed after kissing me goodnight and telling me how much he loves me and that he couldn't face this day without me by his side. I pray to God every year that it will be the year he finally confides that part of him and his feelings to me. I won't over react dear diary, I won't, for I love my husband more that anyone can ever know... well, almost anyone, at least anyone that is here on earth. The end will be like the beginning. He will fall into a restless slumber and eventually the final tears will shed as he grips the pillow as if he is grabbing and holding the one in his dreams. I hear the words "I'm sorry" and then the final "I love you" and the final tear. I am awake and want nothing more than to reach over and take his hand and tell him it's okay, but i won't. I won't take that private moment away from him, even if he doesn't know he has it, or if he just doesn't want to admit it.

Dear Diary, I just can't help but close this entry with one thought. Seth had Summer, Ryan has me, the most wonderful marriages anyone could have (I mean really as Sandy & Kirsten as marriage role models we were bound to be blessed), and one of these days... Ryan and Seth will have each other, once again. And that is fine with me.


End file.
